When it comes to the topic of mental health and spirituality I've always been transparent about my own personal journey. Because no matter the faith we each face issues at some point in, our lives either by genetics or circumstances. In my case it's a little bit of both and with the work I do along with my personal fight against depression, it can be overwhelming at times. Most recently after a series of issues my mental health took a rapid decline. I tried grounding myself to slow the spiral but at that point, it had gone faster than I anticipated. As I analyzed things piece by piece I realized my stress levels had gotten to a point where my physical health became affected. It had started out with a tightening in my stomach that brought upon pain. When I got it checked turns out I had acquired an ulcer in my stomach. At this time it was a few weeks before Witch In The Woods. This year I knew was gonna be bigger than any previous year and I told myself it was the nerves leading up to the event. Once the event was thru, my stomach tightened disappointed and in my mind, I thought all was well. That was until the stress that piled on after the event started to affect my cycle. It was at this point where I knew I need to step away or my body was just going to continue to spiral. So after consulting a fellow priest Who is my spiritual brother in arms, I decided to take a month off. I made my announcements both on my personal and public pages. Told everyone that during this time I needed to be left alone so I could quote on quote recharge myself. Apparently, it fell upon deaf ears, and the messages, calls, and home visits continued.
This is when I realized, I may need more time off than what I gave myself credit for and a few days later I made a post about a complete break for the year. Personally, I am to a point where I have canceled events, and business roadshows except for the witches' ball. I have slowly started to set more boundaries with myself and others. But the struggle to not disappoint or anger someone in my absence. Has swayed my choices on some of the things I attend. Some will read and say fuckem if they can't understand, Which honestly I am to that point to an extent. But also I know once things start to settle with me emotionally and physically I do not want to come back to my normal with no one left around me. Maybe it's abandonment issues that I cannot fully face. But currently, it is where I stand when it comes to those I care about and know have cared about me.
Another thing that I been dealing with as many do on this path is the bigotry of how my spirituality is portrayed. I have heard for the last 20 years of my life how my path is the devil's path. To the point where I became numb to it like many do and just brush it off, but at some point, you just want to scream fuck off. I've never pushed my path onto anyone and the dedication I have to my path is more devotional than those who go to church. I am literally a walking embodiment of the goddess I follow. I have dedicated my life to serving her and helping those she has put on my path. But yet the spiritual path that has helped me and my family when shit hit the fan. Gets put under a microscope to be ridiculed and subjectified until it serves some purpose in their lives. I have been a wedding officiant for the last 5 years. Yet my own family and husband's family see me as if I am not. That in their eyes I am nothing more than an abomination of their god. I know these things should not anger me and under normal circumstances maybe they wouldn't. But everyone reaches their limit at some point or another and I've obviously have gotten to mine.
Since I started morning meditation in addition to my nighttime meditation I have found more things about myself. Shadow work is something that is never ending in my practice and I attempt to ponder as to why I feel things like I do. Is it past trauma or is it something new? Is this ego-driven or not? Are the actions I'm displaying done with malicious intent or genuine emotion without a motive? These are just a few examples I ask myself because I must be aware of my downfalls and of my intent. As I have done this I have shared tad bits about myself on my page that normally I would never talk about it. Because to be that vulnerable and open is a double-edged sword at times. But since I have been open about myself, I've had a good number of people share their stories. Which has brought me closer to some I didn't even know was seeing my stuff. It gave me the understanding that we all are constantly second-guessing ourselves at each turn. Wondering if what we are doing event matters or if we even matter in this game of life. In return, it allowed me to understand myself a bit more and why I feel the way I do at times, and in return has allowed me to focus on the mental, spiritual, and physical aspects of life into one. I will never be able to be what others need me to be because most of the time I don't know who I need to be for myself. All I know is I need to take the time to evaluate my life and how I can take better care of myself in the process.
I can't sit here and say I have all the answers as to what will work for me or for anyone reading this. But what I can say is, If you feel this way in your life you are not alone and it is an experience that is trying. Not everyone will understand what you are doing nor have the mental capacity to understand why you are doing what you are doing. But limitations with one's self and with others are nessacary when it comes to growth and mental clarity. Anyone who tells you they have no work left to do is lying to you and themselves as well. This is why next monday I will be releasing the podcast on mental health and spirituality. It allows me to have someone who is knowledgeable in the mind and the spiritual side of things. Its one of the many things people have trouble with when finding help. Is finding someone who understands the spiritual aspects. Because the mind, body and soul are all one working system, and when one is down so the others shall fall. Hopefully, this Wednesday when we record our podcast I to can find clarity in my life. See aspects from another viewpoint to help me progress in my journey and when it comes to the light of day. Maybe just maybe it can bring some clarity to someone else and help them on their journey.
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