When I started thinking about sharing my passions with the world again through writing, I didn’t let myself sit in the space of “ where do I start” for too long. Not this time at least. I began to remember that a short three years ago I freely shared my thoughts with the world. Judgment from others wasn’t something I spent energy worrying about. Self-confidence was something I had a lot of. Reflecting on these thoughts led me right to focus on that word, self-confidence, something I thought I had a lot of. Was it self-confidence though? When that confidence is fueled by the opinions of others? Was it really self-confidence if I was so closed off from other people’s advice and opinions that I created a reality where I was great?
There was also a flip side to the fake self-confidence I gained, because somehow in the past three years I also learned to internalize every negative thing that someone said about me. I turned those thoughts into negative beliefs about myself and just like that the action of being scared to speak my truth had begun. The new core belief of being a terrible person I had developed during the past three years was also greatly influenced by the situations I found myself in. How do you portray self-confidence, when your life may appear in shambles to others? How many times can I brush off losing a job or a relationship as “ it just wasn’t in my alignment”? Was I fooling myself? Was I actually just full of ego? Looking back, I was on a spiral of self-shame and I was seeking a confidence boost to try to fix it. What a paradox that is though. To gain self-confidence, I had to come from mySELF. I had to give myself the confidence boost I was seeking through external validation. Nobody was coming to save me, not this time. I’m peeling back layers upon layers of trauma that had conditioned me to think, believe and act in a certain way for my own survival. What those layers revealed to me was I had to truly let go of what other people thought of me. Really begin to live my life in my truth.
I know why things don’t always work for me. I know what my journey is about. I know what blessings come from those lessons and perceived bad decisions. I also know it is about time I take that power back and stand firm in my truths. Like I always say, what other people think about me is none of my business. Now, I just to practice what I preach, because I have some things to say. The time is NOW for me to start sharing those things with all the self-confidence I can gather in 2023....
The Devine Witch
Author: Megan Dixon
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