I can only speak from my experience and the things that I have dealt with but if you have felt the same way I have. Know you are not the only one out there and maybe by using this blog as a gateway discussion we can talk about such things. Over the last few months, I've been taking this time to heal mentally as I focus on healing and introspection of my life. As a pagan in a vast and diverse pagan community, both locally and globally information is vast. But topics regarding the mundane and spiritual retrospect are few far between. Over the time I have taken for myself during this time the constant reminder of age and time presents itsself to me. Its the not the lines in my face or the bags under my eyes that gather my attention. But the physical reaction that life has presented to me and how my body wishes to uphold its self to me. One thing I haven't really talked about much in public or online is the issue I face health-wise. Its nothing life-threatening to be alarming or to induce panic in those that read this. But it is something that is a constant reminder within my day-to-day life that im awake of.
Ever since my formative age of preteen angst I've dealt with cronic back and hip issues that stem from a few things. One being born with hip dysplasia which has had its effects on my ability to keep my hips in the position they need to be. Which puts strain on the nerves located on my lower back. Over the years I pushed forwards because any time I've reached for help I was met with doctors who told me its all in my head. That the cause of this was all in my head because nothing was presenting itself. After a decade of hearing this and the constant battle of activly seeking help. I finally gave up and decided that there was no longer a point to struggle my way to a doctor to be told its nothing.
So over the years I've found ways to cope and to adjust myself the best way I have been able to do as much as possible. When I worked the day-to-day grind of hard physical labor which was accompanied by repetitive back bending. I had many instances where I would fall to my knees in gut-wrenching pain. Which is hard to explain to anyone who looks at you with your age and thinks how is this possible? Why are you working and continuing this process when obviously your body is having issues? When in the reality of it all is I had tried to get help but never was lucky to find the solution. Once it became clear I could no longer do the 9-5 lifestyle that society expected from someone my age. That is when things took a twist of faith and I had to ask myself , "What do i do from here?"
Thats when It became one of the contributing factors as to why I looked into my spiritual side of my life. The calling had been there for some time, But the need to provide a life for my family our weighed the pursuit of it. As time moved on and my limitation became more often then not I started looking for solutions to help myself. Yoga was my first attempt in doing such in hopes to strength and slowly improving. Which helped in its own way , but not to the point as to where my life was fixed. So I introduced exorcise that focused on back strengthing and getting myself a little more help. It does, when I make sure im not overdoing or moving in such a way my body rebels against me. But I say this with the intention of not losing hope or putting energies against myself since thought is as powerful as the spoken word. But it has limited me in my ability to uphold my spiritual duties to my community in some sense.
When we look at a spiritual advisor we gotta look at all parts from the spirit to the mind and physical form. Manifesting thru action and desire which is projected in the reality of sight and in physical form representation. But over the years more often than not I have had issues within our community when it comes to accommodations or expectations. To which I cant blame myself for the cards im dealt. But I also can't blame those with the eyes of the physical instead of the mindset of the unseen. Its cost me many things over the years from students to events and even friendships. One would think how could this be possible, But self-experience and perception experience are two different beasts. It's hard to explain what days will be good and what days will be bad. Its hard to speak of the physical limitation that you experience that diminishes the soul and mind. Its even harder to push down pain to represent strength with gracefulness to be present and aware. Its hard to explain the mindset of feeling broken when all you have done is exist or why some days look like everything ok vrs days where a step feels like a thousand needles.
There are things that push me forward, such as my will and my spiritual practice that help me realize these are challenges that help me understand. Understand that what we see is not always what we get. That the unseen can be an excruciating experience when one doesn't know how to feel about it themself. Over the years I have tried to be accommodating to others as I would hope those who welcome me would do for me. Because not all challenges present themselves in the face of the visual realm. The reason I write this is to hope that those who are out there putting together events for pagans. Will take a introspect of perspective toward their participants. For fellow pagans to take notice, not all things seen are as they appear to be and sometimes it takes a step forward to see what is truth. How words, comments and actions can be detrimental to anyone dealing with physical issues that are always or sometimes present in someone's life. How one who struggles with their own limitations can blame themselves for things they do not have answers to.
I have been lucky that I have a coven, friends, and The Devine Witch community who know me and my struggles. Who knows the pain that hides behind the shadows that are not directly in the light and keeps my dignity with me. But not everyone can always have this support and I hope that maybe by writing this. From this moment forth we as pagans not only locally but globally can get this type of mindset. Because we don't owe others explanations of our own limitations, but when presented without a choice. We ask that they are heard and not ignored as if it's a burden of sympathy hidden in lies.
The Devine Witch
Debbie Lewis
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